Today’s stats: 10/25/2017
Begin Date: 10/16/2017
Starting Weight: 322.8 Today’s Weight : 319.8 Total Weight Loss: 3.0
Days: 10 Average Weight loss: .3
Actual days since journey began: 255
Weight went up again. Last night was ridiculous, I actually sat there and said what the hell am I doing. I am completely disgusted and upset with myself. I kept telling myself not to do it , not to eat bad but the more I did that the more stressed out I became and the worse my headache got. I had a headache all day yesterday like I was hungover, I am sure this is due to sugar crashing because the minute I load up on sugar it stops. Of course I wanted to feel better because I cannot do anything with a headache. This is very bad as now I am getting into a very serious issue if I am having physical symptoms from it.
I am embarrassed to even write this but I ended up going to Taco Bell and getting the $5.00 box they are offering right now, and even got a frozen baja blast drink (nothing but sugar), sugar and crap food. It didn’t stop there I then proceeded to go to the local pizza shop and get a slice of pizza that has a blue cheese base with sweet and sour sauce on top along with a side of blue cheese and a root beer. Yeah I know absolutely ridiculous. I have a serious food issue, this is the worst it has been in years.
This is killing me literally, I am not supposed to be eating all this fried processed crap all it does is cause health issues and disease not to mention off the charts inflammation. All things I am supposed to be trying to eliminate since I already have an Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm and all I am doing is doing things to make it worse. Why the hell can I not stop? I don’t get it, its like there is a part of my brain that overrides all common sense, its like a self destruct program running.
I sit here now reflecting on all of this and still wonder why. Part of the reason I ate bad was my head was killing me I figured the sugar would help take it away. But I way overloaded and even after eating all that crap I did not feel full. Something is shutting off my satiation so that I never feel full. With everything going on I have been taking my probiotics sporadically which I need to start taking those regularly again as those I believe help with the full feeling. I am stress eating because I have been so stressed out over the contractors remodeling the house and completely screwing it up.
I have also been busy trying to get my side projects done and they are becoming more work then they are worth they are costing me my health and lots of time for minimal reward thus far which is becoming very demotivating.
Today I feel like I am standing at a cross roads of many decisions that have to be made and I have never been good at making decisions as it causes me great anxiety because I always second guess them I always over analyze them straight into the ground and beyond and then still don’t make a decision. At any rate everything is on the table in question. Every day I am running out of more time and I am no closer to the life I want to live. So things have to change. I know what needs to change but the problem is I have no plan no nothing beyond that. In other words if I cease to do something then what replaces it? what will I do instead that works closer to my goals? and yet I have no answer.
I feel like its all spiraling out of control but the more I feel that the more it feeds that feeling and I realize that. It starts a very dark path that I do not want to go down. I simultaneously feel like I have everything (millions of ideas, ways to achieve my goal ) and then that I have none of those things. It’s so conflicted it makes no sense it is the perfect dichotomy and its an either all this or all that proposition. I doubt any of this is making sense to anyone else. I feel like a fish out of water floundering about.
Plans have to be made. I know I need to get to bed earlier, I know I need to start walking again on a regular basis to get exercise at a minimum. Time seems to always be working against me. I am probably going to have to cut out TV more. The idiot box as they call it, it truly is the more you watch it the less you learn and the less time you have to improve your life. Hence knowledge ages out and pay attention to less and less of the important things.
It seems everything is a fight in life. While there’s that old saying about things being worth it are worth fighting for I can’t help but feel it is an impenetrable wall of doubt, frustration, distraction, like fighting the tide constantly. I feel like life is just a constant fight against entropy, the natural state of decay, disrepair, disarray. It seems everything in life is a dichotomy or a fight with objects, other people, tasks. I mean seriously anyone can only fight so long and I always hear the keep going. You always hear the great greek tragedy stories retold in modern times where someone kept at it and won or conquered adversity, limitations etc. They smashed their goals.
I often wonder if some of this is just our personality types and that is not to say that we model ourselves after Jung but that maybe he had something right with his personality types. The reason I say this is I have seen the 16 personalities brought up in discussion before and with talking with other people of my same type we have the same lack of interest in pointless chit chat, sports, and pop culture. Yet the people that are the most successful and social animals are the most successful. People want to be around them, they draw people to them and they are very successful copywriters, businessmen etc. they are well organized, methodical. Whereas I am disorganized, I can be social but by no means the crowd pleaser. I am also not that guy who sits there cheering on teams I could care less about a bunch of overpaid athletes.
Apparently lots of people like paying for the privilege for someone to do their job. If it wasn’t about the money and more about the athleticism like old roman coliseum days then I think I would have a greater appreciation for it. But really sports these days serve as nothing more than a distraction a vehicle to sell you beer, chips and fast food. Just like cartoons were a vehicle to sell kids toys.
I digress this is going way off topic. My point was lost in there which is everything seems to be a constant fight with forces greater than yourself constantly pulling you in all directions. Everything always seems to lead to infinite crossroads of infinite possibilities. At no time will you ever know the future that each one of those decisions will impact. Then some day you do and you want to walk back to that crossroad and do a do-over but its too late there are no do overs. And so with each course correction life’s GPS takes you the long way to get back to where you were previously but usually gets you lost halfway there. So it just becomes a lot of miles traveled and still no real course has been plotted. It is really educated guessing based on previous decisions which if those were flawed decisions then its flawed previous data to go off.
That is one thing I have an issue with, with the human mind. We are not aware of all our flawed decisions when we are trying to make a decision. The mind acts like its clear and is making a decision based on current information but that simply isn’t true. Each decision is made based on a previous one regardless if it is flawed and usually we are not cognizant of the little flawed decisions only the ones that caused us the most pain do we ever remember even if a hundred little ones led eventually to consequences far worse then that little one.
A lot of deep thought here, my mind is flowing but not resolving anything yet, I wish it would. I think today is going to be a day for reflection, establishing some routines and trying a different approach. I don’t want to waste any more time on things that just aren’t going to serve me. It sounds selfish but what I am to do stay miserable ? Every time I prioritize something everything else gets out of whack and neglected. I used to think I was an excellent multi-tasker .. actually I’m not I’m crap at it as almost no tasks see completion. I think I am excellent at getting distracted and chasing my tail in infinite circles. The only way I see to get my weight under control and be able to handle other things at the same time is to get into a regimen which I have always been against because it goes against my need to feel free. But it is that feeling of wanting to be free that is keeping me from being so because I don’t stick to anything I don’t follow through like I should. If its out of sight it is out of mind. I’m like an absent minded professor, I can be so brilliant with complex things yet so stupid with simple things. Its aggravating.
Today I am going to try to stick to my eating plan and continue to try to reflect back on this post (I’ll probably forget about it soon enough though.) That is all I have for today.