Today’s stats: 10/26/2017
Begin Date: 10/16/2017
Starting Weight: 322.8 Today’s Weight : 319.2 Total Weight Loss: 3.6
Days: 12 Average Weight loss: .30
Actual days since journey began: 257
Another day burned, another screw up. Last night all hell broke loose, unfortunately I cannot really elaborate right now but will at a later point. For now all I can say is stress levels went through the roof again. Again because I listen to constantly negativity about the prepared meals it makes me less interested in them. As well I am not getting any support for trying to stay on track. My girlfriend doesn’t eat all day then comes home starved and starts the food raiding which watching that just gets me going. I equate it to someone who is an alcoholic trying to quit drinking and friends just keep drinking in front of them or wanting to go to places where alcohol is all around.
The problem is my willpower is not there yet, give it a couple weeks of being on track and the aw fuck it turns into no way we’ve made progress. My fortitude is greater and built up. It really is me I need to find a way to think and feel the same as if I had been doing this for weeks. I keep telling myself if I keep it up my AAA will blow, I will have heart issues, I will have diabetes… You would think it would sink in but nope I keep doing the dumb shit of eating like crap.
Then the stress of trying to resist builds up and it becomes an itch I have to scratch and then of course the guilt, the frustration and then the aw fuck it, why try kicks in. This is just ridiculous. I feel trapped, I feel so stressed out. I am wondering if I need to just cut out all projects and focus on health but Q4 only comes once a year and I am trying to build up my income so that next spring I will have the money to purchase a car I have wanted for quite awhile.
It seems I can never hit my goals, things end up half assed or never get done they becoming the never ending project and I never hit milestones or goals or if I do it is months and years later. Meanwhile hundreds of more things pop up. There just isn’t enough time in the day. I need to streamline a work flow so things can get done.My distraction levels are also off the charts. I am like hyper wired right now, constantly checking email, the web etc. yet I have plenty of things to get done.
I have to figure a way to knock off the distraction,hammer down and get shit done in a timely manner and quit wasting time and with screwing up my diet. I’m pissed just reading what I am writing as its so stupid how can I be cognizant of these issues yet I either don’t take the steps to handle it or I half assed try to handle it almost intentionally. Its like a fight between one life of success, good health, focus and basically grabbing the world by the tail, the other is an unsuccessful , unhealthy, unfocused, distracted mess being just another person passing their time by working in the same old job doing the same old thing day in and day out counting the days until I can retire even though retirement is 20+ years away. Frustrating and confusing in the same.
Well the weekend is here and again it is chocked full of things I have to get done especially because it is the weekend before Halloween. I want to go out and be social but I am so disgusted with myself I think I would be embarrassed to even be seen out by anyone I know. Halloween is my favorite holiday and it only comes once a year….and the past several I have missed out. I just haven’t been in the Halloween spirit and I almost feel guilty about it. I guess thinking about it now I realize how much of the joy is being sucked out of my life due to multiple factors… weight, job, lack of time.. inability to do what I really want, like making music , building costumes etc.
I don’t even want to write anymore this is just depressing and sounds like a pity party and that is not what I am going for here. I am trying to be open and honest with myself to hopefully effect change but that does not seem to be happening. That’s all I have for now… I’m too busy over the weekend to write so I will update on Monday, hopefully I have better things to report.